A New Beginning

I can't believe it's been over 6 months since I last blogged. My life has been full - full of good, full of bad, and full of everything in between. And yet I haven't felt like writing. But now I'm wondering if it's time again... So, although I'm attempting to take up journaling for my most private and vulnerable thoughts, there are plenty of things (musings, perhaps?) that I've been learning that are worthy (in my mind) of sharing. In fact, I've had great joy sharing these "nuggets" with friends recently. So why not let everyone who's interested read? So, buckle your seatbelts and hopefully you'll enjoy the ride. If not, I cannot be held responsible :)

Music that taps into the soul

Lately the worship at church transports me to a place that is so much better than this crappy world. And by that I don't mean that they're happy songs. They're REAL songs. And so my soul connects. The song that did that this morning is one I'd never heard before (actually, most of the songs that I love at the Gallery are new to me). The lyrics were so powerful and fresh that I thought I'd share them, in hopes that maybe one of you reading this will identify...


"The Resistance"
Aaron Niequist

All creation waits
bated breath in pain
for redemtion's day

All creation cries
floods and charcoals skies
things are not alright...

With brokenness and broken fists
we beat upon the breast of fallenness.
We hear the call of kingdom come
is one more train we chase to only miss.

But we will never give up on it...

We're part of the resistance;
We're running in a revolution.
We're part of the insistence
that we are more than institution.

We're part the tradition
of spirit-powered evolution.
We're part of the resistance;
We're running in a revolution.

All creation groans
in one voice alone
for them to be shown

All creation cries
floods and charcoal skies
things are not alright...

We're living in a world
built on the walls between the haves and never-wills.
But we're following a King whose ears are bent
to those forgotten and unfilled.

But He will never give up on it...

We're part of the resistance;
We're running in a revolution.
We're part of the insistence
that we are more than insitution.

We're part of the tradition
of spirit-powered evolution.
We're part of the resistance;
We're running in a revolution.

Well we're standing up
and we're kneeling down
and we're digging in
and we're reaching out
and we're loving more
and we're holding less
and we won't back down
from this holy mess.

We're choosing hope
and we're choosing peace
we were chosen by grace
to be flesh and and feet
to the Loving More
and the Holding Rest

And we won't back down...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You can listen to the song etc. on Aaron's myspace page:
www.myspace.com/aaronniequist

I HATE MEN more than ever

what can i say? i think that pretty much sums it up. in fact, i HATE THEM so much that there are no words. too bad the holy spirit doesn't groan with me on that one... BLAH. they are just disgusting, immature, shallow, arrogant, lazy, selfish sluts who can't keep their little penises in their pants.

I found my niche!

So, the past four weeks I have really cheated everyone by not posting. These have been an amazing 4 weeks in my life, a time of spiritual renewal and healing. Yet this has been a really shitty weekend. But, I think I'll thrive on the positive today.

The most amazing thing that has happened to me lately is that I "accidentally" found a church three weeks ago. It has everything I'm looking for in a church:

* within walking distance

* friendly people

* an amazing pastor

* good worship

* a heart for the city

* authenticity

* people my own age

I could go on... But, basically, after the first week I had pretty much decided to return after the service, and since then I have only been receiving confirmation that this is where I belong. The pastor teaches on passages that are beyond familiar to me, and yet they feel fresh and new. A cool couple who works as part of the staff lives literally 3 doors down from me yet we've never met. I ran into an acquaintance from college - someone who knows two of my best friends. And this past week was the clincher. I had spontaneously decided to stay after for a meeting about the church and its vision etc. The pastor sat down and was chatting with me and when he found out where my "home church" is he said, "I love Central! We partner with them for HopeSprings" (their HIV ministry in the city). And if THAT wasn't enough, later when he was speaking of the vision for the church, he stated that they are on track to start a new service sometime early next year that will be bilingual - Spanish and English - and they will need people who speak spanish to help out! My jaw literally dropped. And finally, their authenticity was proven when a young woman who I had barely met stumbled across me outside (I had left early) in the midst of a meltdown on the sidewalk, and she sat with me, and then took me out for some tea and talked for 2 hours. If that isn't authenticity and community, I don't know what is.

old wounds run deep

Sometimes I feel like such a hypocrite.

A few of my friends have recently dubbed me Relient K(im), which immensely pleased me. By nature I am an extremely loyal person to anyone who's fortunately enough for me to call them a friend. Call me up with a problem or a need at any time of the day or night and if it is in my power I will go out of my way to help out. This is probably not always a good thing, as I'm bad at putting up boundaries. But still, it's something I take pride in, for good or for bad, and have been known to drop everything to take people to the impound lot when their car has been towed (perhaps for the umpteenth time), turn around when almost to Frederick because a friend in B'more is hysterical over a stupid boy, stay up late at night or listen for hours on end listening to someone who needs an ear or shoulder to cry on, and send ridiculous, somewhat expensive care packages to those who need a smile. I am loyal to the bitter end, and am not sure I have ever ended a meaningful relationship over any type of argument. Yet many have done that to me, regardless of my efforts. And it is one of the worst things; it really hurts.

Yet today I am faced with my hypocrisy. A friendship with a long-time buddy has been deteriorating for quite some time now (5+ years...). She was my best friend for a long time. But things have finally come to a head, over something stupid that happened two months ago. The sad part is, I'm not really angry or upset at her anymore, but I just have an overwhelming sense of apathy. I just don't care what happens to our friendship. I mean, it's not like I don't care about her, because I do, and I wish her all the best. And it's not like I wouldn't like to see her or talk to her from time to time. But she's not a priority. At all. And it makes me sad.

I guess the irony lies in how I think this stems back to something painful that happened a long time ago between us that shifted the dynamics in our friendship and got it going down a different track. That might be fair, but I'm disgusted at myself, because there are other people in my life that I let screw me again and again, they are really nothing but disappointment, and yet I continue to cling to the relationship. Why is that ok? Like I said, hypocrisy.

Back to my old plan of living as a hermit on the side of a hill.

a fly-by visitor

Once in a while I get birds in my window, but they usually only stay for a few seconds. But today I turned to see a bird not 2 feet from where I was typing away on my computer, and he was regarding me with a bit of interest, like he had never seen anything quite like me before. He preened himself and kept talking to me, with something I can't quite describe, but it felt more "communicative" than a "tweet". (now you're probably thinking i've lost my rocker!) He stuck around for like 10 minutes. Just preening and staring and chatting. There was a moment when I thought he might actually walk right into my office. His visit made me happy, a little cheer for a gray day.

mystery veggie

So, one of the benefits to joining a CSA is that my vegetable world is expanding. In fact, sometimes I receive things that I cannot identify. Such as the small green bulbous thing that turned out to be a Cambodian Green Giant eggplant. Or this thing. I've been meaning to post it all week in the hopes that someone would be able to identify it and then I could eat it. But I figured it out yesterday. However, I'm still curious if anyone else knows...