dreams

I have always been one to have crazy, vivid dreams. I even went through this period in my life where my dreams were so real (and not out of the realm of possibility) that I had trouble knowing if what happened in them really happened or not. Frustrating.

Anyway, I had some particularly poignant ones last night.

The first was rather short, but wonderful (until I woke up). I walked into a room with my friends, and on the couch were Em and Drew. Drew looked up at me, smiled, and said, "Hey Kim, I'm glad to see you. I'm just about to go to class." I stared at him, unbelieving, without words, taking in his dented head - he looked so fragile! Yet his voice was exactly as I remembered it. I took a few steps foward, collapsed on the floor and started sobbing hysterically, mumbling "I'm so happy, I'm so happy" over and over again.

The second was long and drawn out. And bizarre. Somehow I ended up with this chinchilla in my possession. He was really cute - and we bonded. I think he was dumped on me anonymously by someone who didn't want him anymore. Anyway, the entire dream was pitting me, and a few of my friends/allies against a whole ton of other people I know (ranging from random aquaintances to my mom). I really wanted to keep him, but at the very least wanted to find him a good home. But for some reason my "enemies" just wanted to get rid of him. Some of them wanted to ship him to Florida (I have no idea...) and my mom even had plans to sell him to this little deli in Delaware where chinchilla was a delicacy for teenagers. I was mortified. So I spent the entire dream - and it was very stressful - trying to smuggle the poor guy out of this maze-like obstacle course. I just remember feeling extremely bonded to the chinchilla and knowing that he really wanted me to make sure he was ok. In randomness, I'd like to give a shout out to HB, who happened to be my strongest ally, but she kept frustrating me because we were continually trying to make our escape from the bad guys and she kept forgetting where her car was parked! ha.

guilty pleasures

So, I've been compiling a list of guilty pleasures in my head. To make it on the list, it has to be something that makes me feel somewhat guilty for doing (either for real or contrived reasons), yet at the moment I do not have the willpower to quit *sigh* For some i've even tried.
I may add more as time goes on...

1. Naps
2. Red meat
3. Half & Half in my coffee
4. Leaving the dishes undone in the sink after a meal
5. Donuts
6. Taking the elevator (although not if it's only 1 or 2 floors!)
7. Owning too many pajamas
8. Sleeping in
9. Not making my bed
10. Soda

Running

I hate running. Always have, unfortunately always will. I'd rather do hours upon hours of biostats homework, or clean my entire house, or be sick with the flu, instead of run a mile or two.

I wish I didn't hate it so much - it's an accessible form of exercise that is easily integrated into one's schedule. For the past month I've been trying to take up running, AGAIN. I think this is the 3rd or 4th time this year. Wish me luck ;-p because it's going to be nothing short of sheer willpower and a miracle of God.

empathy

I've always had a strong capacity for empathy. In general I look upon it as a curse. Take tonight for instance. Talking to a friend on the phone (actually, not talking, mostly just listening), as she is so angry and hurt and depressed and confused and everything you could ever imagine, I can feel the physical pain inside of me. And there's nothing I can say to make it better, or even ease her suffering, and so I suffer alongside her. I know that this is the blood and guts of real friendship. But it would be so much easier to be able to listen and not incorporate her pain into myself. Perhaps it's actually a flaw? Hard to say where the line is I guess.

insomnia

On and off my entire ("adult") life I've struggled with insomnia. Pretty much I think it's the stupidest affliction. I went to bed early tonight with the intention to get an early start tomorrow on thesis stuff. I was dozing off at 9:30ish so I just changed into my pjs, brushed my teeth, fed Chai and went to bed. But could I sleep? No. Instead I lay awake worrying about everything from depositing checks to booking a flight to Mexico. I need an on-off button for my brain.

re-realizing things

I just got back from a really great weekend away. It made me realize (or re-realize) a few things:
1. I miss old friends.
2. I love the color red.
3. I like being out of my "hole" and am dreading returning to it.
4. Sightseeing is exhausting.
5. I really hate the cold.
I had this minor "aha" moment (if you can call it that) when we were walking around New York and I was pretty sure I was going to die if I couldn't get in from the cold soon. We passed this sleeping bundle of a homeless man (or woman). How readily I take for granted what I have. In no way do I know what it is like to even taste the possibility of being out on the streets. And the fact that I'm not more grateful for that on a regular basis is somewhat shameful. A huge reason why a lot of people justify not "helping" the homeless (or similar individuals) is because of the idea that the majority of them "brought it on themselves" (i.e. deserve it). While I don't necessarily agree with that blanket statement, even if it were true, as we passed that guy I thought, yeah, but even if he is a lazy heroin addict, how can I be OK with leaving him there? Something in me hates doling out harsh justice like that...