Things I miss

So, it's a little after noon, I'm on my lunch break (translate - me sitting by myself at my computer with the door closed, with nothing to do because I forgot to bring a book). And I'm pretty much done with being here today. So I thought I'd take this opportunity to elaborate on yesterday's post.

Things I miss:
People to get coffee with
People to take "smoke breaks" with
People in general
Co-workers
Socialization in general
An office mate
Unix - I hate PC sas!
Knowing the data like the back of my hand
Well-formulated codebooks

But, so as not to leave things on a sour note, here are some silver linings:
A window that opens
A paycheck
A mini fridge in my office
Opportunity for improvement
Did I mention a paycheck? Yeah, that's pretty much the only thing keeping me sane right now.

One week down... only 40 more years to go

I'll try and post again tomorrow with more details about the new job (since people are harrassing me via this blog!! ;-p ) But all I have really wanted to say since Friday is that I miss Unix and I miss the MACS. I even miss JessieC. blargh.

D-day

I'm graduating today! :)
It's a beautiful day outside, occupational health decided to clear me to begin work, chai is not howling, and all is well. I'm in a good mood :-D

truly bittersweet

WOW - it has been quite a year (or more accurately, 9 months). I am completely exhausted. This has been the most exhausting yet also most rewarding year of my life. And although there were times when I was pretty sure I wouldn't make it, I did. And it is bittersweet. I'll miss school - sleeping in, hanging out with friends at the grind, learning new things. But I won't miss the unending stress, the stomach ulcer I'm sure I've developed, boring lectures and wednesday seminars, bleck. Honestly these past few days I havent' known what to do with myself.

And it's ironic - I wanted so badly to move away. But when a golden job gets served to you on a silver platter with little to no effort on your part, it's truly a "God thing" - and I often hesitate to use that phrase. Many of you have been badgering me impatiently to know details. So here is my current future: (drumroll please...)
I will be working at... HOPKINS... yes, hopkins. hahahaha. I know, who woulda thought. I was definitely biased against the job just for that reason, because I figure 5 years at the JHSPH was more than enough. BUT, like i said, golden, silver platter blah blah blah. So at least I'll be working in a different building. And I'll be senior staff :) working for the chair of the mental health department - and he's HUGE in the literature. I'll be a data manager/analyst for two studies and I'll have room to publish. They met my summer vacation and salary demands. I beat out 40 applicants! Anyway, the MH department took us grads out tonight at Gertrude's at the BMA (always wanted to go there) and sat by my soon-to-be boss and he's hysterical! So hopefully it will be good times.

So that's the blog that I've been meaning to post for a while. As far as what I would post just from today, I went kayaking (first kayak of the season) with a guy that i'm hopelessly interested in and had the BEST time. I mean, he's so cheerful and easy to talk to. And we have so much in common. And he's interested in me and my life. We parted ways after kayaking and I was walking home daydreaming, feeling like I hadn't felt in a really long time - just light, airy, fluttery, as erica would say "oh god, you're lovestruck". And that's when the "white bitch whore" incident occurred. But anyway, it feels good to know your heart has healed enough to hope for something again. I've met a lot of amazing guys this year in public health and that was nice to know that quality is still available ;-p

Ok, i'm exhausted. I graduate tomorrow - YAY! :)

ok, i have to post again

Just a couple of sentences - I promise! I chose to catch up on my other blog reading, and just finished intently devouring every last word of Em's blog. It's pretty much all good news. Better than good - amazing and miraculous. Yet reading it makes me feel ashamed and angry. Angry at how things had to turn out for her, bitter at why life is so hard an tragic, and ashamed at my shallowness. Here I am rambling on about my non-crisis of moving, when it's so trivial. I actually have more to say, now that i've started, but since i promised, I'll end it here :)

to move or not to move...

Here I am, standing at the precipice of graduation, with the black hole of nothingness gaping before me. Normally (as in a month ago) I would be freaking out about the lack of "a plan". But not so much right now. It feels rather strange.

With no strings attached, there's this strong desire in me to move, the further the better. In fact, it feels like moving just a little bit (like Philly) would be worse than moving really far. There are so many reasons to go: there are people here that it would be healthier for me to never see again; there are people who are very dear to me who are moving far away and it feels oddly like it would hurt less if I were gone too; I've always lived in Maryland; I'm young and unattached so why not; and I'm afraid that I'll meet someone here and never live other places that I would love to be for a little while. On the other hand, I really want to stay: for as many people who are leaving, there are still a few who are staying that mean a lot to me, both old and new; I have a lot of niches here that take forever to find; I'm happy; I love my house and I love Baltimore; I would miss my family even though I hardly ever see them; and I know that running from your problems and fears never works out - a few friends of mind who have tried have successfully crashed and burned.

What part of me will win out? I don't know. But I do know that a part of me was sad I got rejected for two jobs at Yale. And I do know that I was depressed at being unable to find a job in Baltimore, but now that there's a job that may likely pan out, I feel strangely clausterphobic and picky. What's my deal?!?

Oh, and I also know that Chai pooped on my bed today and it still smells like poop hours later, so I better go and sort that out. bleck.

Enlightened Rant? Maybe...

I feel like I've had a lot on my mind to say, with no time to say it. But I'd like to rant a little right now.

Today I celebrated Easter at my parents' place. It was a normal Easter, except that my sister brought her boyfriend, and I brought the closest thing I have to one. And there was a dog. All in all, it was a great Easter - a lot of laughing and fun. Ironically my rant does NOT have to do with my family. It has to do with boyfriends.

Now, let me say that after only meeting him this one time, I adore my sister's boyfriend. Not only is he hot with an adorable half-accent, but he's super sweet. Just watching him treat her like she's a million bucks, but not in a gross gaga way, but just in subtle undertones... the way he offers her his seat, how he gets up to fix her coffee so she doesn't have to, how he pushes her seat in for her. It's just so cute. He's clearly just a good guy.

So, this is my thing: what don't guys understand?? Why don't they get it? That's what girls want (well, the ones worth keeping). There seems to be this general misconception that we are super hard to please... and certainly some are. But I'm not. And maybe I have been actually settling, like some people were telling me all along when I wouldn't listen. My guy doesn't need to make tons of money or have a PhD or own a nice car... What I want is to be treated like I'm the best thing that ever happened to him. And that's what I think was lacking. Perhaps I was being treated well, but not like that. Everything else is just cake. You can lose money, jobs, good looks, health, possessions,... but the other person is the thing that matters. I know it's cheesy and cliche, but I don't think I ever saw it so objectively before. I was only defending myself. Because I'm relatively easy to please, easy to get along with, and don't ask for much. Which is why I guess I settle. Kind of a shame, the irony of it. *sigh*