old wounds run deep

Sometimes I feel like such a hypocrite.

A few of my friends have recently dubbed me Relient K(im), which immensely pleased me. By nature I am an extremely loyal person to anyone who's fortunately enough for me to call them a friend. Call me up with a problem or a need at any time of the day or night and if it is in my power I will go out of my way to help out. This is probably not always a good thing, as I'm bad at putting up boundaries. But still, it's something I take pride in, for good or for bad, and have been known to drop everything to take people to the impound lot when their car has been towed (perhaps for the umpteenth time), turn around when almost to Frederick because a friend in B'more is hysterical over a stupid boy, stay up late at night or listen for hours on end listening to someone who needs an ear or shoulder to cry on, and send ridiculous, somewhat expensive care packages to those who need a smile. I am loyal to the bitter end, and am not sure I have ever ended a meaningful relationship over any type of argument. Yet many have done that to me, regardless of my efforts. And it is one of the worst things; it really hurts.

Yet today I am faced with my hypocrisy. A friendship with a long-time buddy has been deteriorating for quite some time now (5+ years...). She was my best friend for a long time. But things have finally come to a head, over something stupid that happened two months ago. The sad part is, I'm not really angry or upset at her anymore, but I just have an overwhelming sense of apathy. I just don't care what happens to our friendship. I mean, it's not like I don't care about her, because I do, and I wish her all the best. And it's not like I wouldn't like to see her or talk to her from time to time. But she's not a priority. At all. And it makes me sad.

I guess the irony lies in how I think this stems back to something painful that happened a long time ago between us that shifted the dynamics in our friendship and got it going down a different track. That might be fair, but I'm disgusted at myself, because there are other people in my life that I let screw me again and again, they are really nothing but disappointment, and yet I continue to cling to the relationship. Why is that ok? Like I said, hypocrisy.

Back to my old plan of living as a hermit on the side of a hill.