ok, i have to post again

Just a couple of sentences - I promise! I chose to catch up on my other blog reading, and just finished intently devouring every last word of Em's blog. It's pretty much all good news. Better than good - amazing and miraculous. Yet reading it makes me feel ashamed and angry. Angry at how things had to turn out for her, bitter at why life is so hard an tragic, and ashamed at my shallowness. Here I am rambling on about my non-crisis of moving, when it's so trivial. I actually have more to say, now that i've started, but since i promised, I'll end it here :)

to move or not to move...

Here I am, standing at the precipice of graduation, with the black hole of nothingness gaping before me. Normally (as in a month ago) I would be freaking out about the lack of "a plan". But not so much right now. It feels rather strange.

With no strings attached, there's this strong desire in me to move, the further the better. In fact, it feels like moving just a little bit (like Philly) would be worse than moving really far. There are so many reasons to go: there are people here that it would be healthier for me to never see again; there are people who are very dear to me who are moving far away and it feels oddly like it would hurt less if I were gone too; I've always lived in Maryland; I'm young and unattached so why not; and I'm afraid that I'll meet someone here and never live other places that I would love to be for a little while. On the other hand, I really want to stay: for as many people who are leaving, there are still a few who are staying that mean a lot to me, both old and new; I have a lot of niches here that take forever to find; I'm happy; I love my house and I love Baltimore; I would miss my family even though I hardly ever see them; and I know that running from your problems and fears never works out - a few friends of mind who have tried have successfully crashed and burned.

What part of me will win out? I don't know. But I do know that a part of me was sad I got rejected for two jobs at Yale. And I do know that I was depressed at being unable to find a job in Baltimore, but now that there's a job that may likely pan out, I feel strangely clausterphobic and picky. What's my deal?!?

Oh, and I also know that Chai pooped on my bed today and it still smells like poop hours later, so I better go and sort that out. bleck.

Enlightened Rant? Maybe...

I feel like I've had a lot on my mind to say, with no time to say it. But I'd like to rant a little right now.

Today I celebrated Easter at my parents' place. It was a normal Easter, except that my sister brought her boyfriend, and I brought the closest thing I have to one. And there was a dog. All in all, it was a great Easter - a lot of laughing and fun. Ironically my rant does NOT have to do with my family. It has to do with boyfriends.

Now, let me say that after only meeting him this one time, I adore my sister's boyfriend. Not only is he hot with an adorable half-accent, but he's super sweet. Just watching him treat her like she's a million bucks, but not in a gross gaga way, but just in subtle undertones... the way he offers her his seat, how he gets up to fix her coffee so she doesn't have to, how he pushes her seat in for her. It's just so cute. He's clearly just a good guy.

So, this is my thing: what don't guys understand?? Why don't they get it? That's what girls want (well, the ones worth keeping). There seems to be this general misconception that we are super hard to please... and certainly some are. But I'm not. And maybe I have been actually settling, like some people were telling me all along when I wouldn't listen. My guy doesn't need to make tons of money or have a PhD or own a nice car... What I want is to be treated like I'm the best thing that ever happened to him. And that's what I think was lacking. Perhaps I was being treated well, but not like that. Everything else is just cake. You can lose money, jobs, good looks, health, possessions,... but the other person is the thing that matters. I know it's cheesy and cliche, but I don't think I ever saw it so objectively before. I was only defending myself. Because I'm relatively easy to please, easy to get along with, and don't ask for much. Which is why I guess I settle. Kind of a shame, the irony of it. *sigh*