to move or not to move...

Here I am, standing at the precipice of graduation, with the black hole of nothingness gaping before me. Normally (as in a month ago) I would be freaking out about the lack of "a plan". But not so much right now. It feels rather strange.

With no strings attached, there's this strong desire in me to move, the further the better. In fact, it feels like moving just a little bit (like Philly) would be worse than moving really far. There are so many reasons to go: there are people here that it would be healthier for me to never see again; there are people who are very dear to me who are moving far away and it feels oddly like it would hurt less if I were gone too; I've always lived in Maryland; I'm young and unattached so why not; and I'm afraid that I'll meet someone here and never live other places that I would love to be for a little while. On the other hand, I really want to stay: for as many people who are leaving, there are still a few who are staying that mean a lot to me, both old and new; I have a lot of niches here that take forever to find; I'm happy; I love my house and I love Baltimore; I would miss my family even though I hardly ever see them; and I know that running from your problems and fears never works out - a few friends of mind who have tried have successfully crashed and burned.

What part of me will win out? I don't know. But I do know that a part of me was sad I got rejected for two jobs at Yale. And I do know that I was depressed at being unable to find a job in Baltimore, but now that there's a job that may likely pan out, I feel strangely clausterphobic and picky. What's my deal?!?

Oh, and I also know that Chai pooped on my bed today and it still smells like poop hours later, so I better go and sort that out. bleck.