I HATE MEN more than ever

what can i say? i think that pretty much sums it up. in fact, i HATE THEM so much that there are no words. too bad the holy spirit doesn't groan with me on that one... BLAH. they are just disgusting, immature, shallow, arrogant, lazy, selfish sluts who can't keep their little penises in their pants.

I found my niche!

So, the past four weeks I have really cheated everyone by not posting. These have been an amazing 4 weeks in my life, a time of spiritual renewal and healing. Yet this has been a really shitty weekend. But, I think I'll thrive on the positive today.

The most amazing thing that has happened to me lately is that I "accidentally" found a church three weeks ago. It has everything I'm looking for in a church:

* within walking distance

* friendly people

* an amazing pastor

* good worship

* a heart for the city

* authenticity

* people my own age

I could go on... But, basically, after the first week I had pretty much decided to return after the service, and since then I have only been receiving confirmation that this is where I belong. The pastor teaches on passages that are beyond familiar to me, and yet they feel fresh and new. A cool couple who works as part of the staff lives literally 3 doors down from me yet we've never met. I ran into an acquaintance from college - someone who knows two of my best friends. And this past week was the clincher. I had spontaneously decided to stay after for a meeting about the church and its vision etc. The pastor sat down and was chatting with me and when he found out where my "home church" is he said, "I love Central! We partner with them for HopeSprings" (their HIV ministry in the city). And if THAT wasn't enough, later when he was speaking of the vision for the church, he stated that they are on track to start a new service sometime early next year that will be bilingual - Spanish and English - and they will need people who speak spanish to help out! My jaw literally dropped. And finally, their authenticity was proven when a young woman who I had barely met stumbled across me outside (I had left early) in the midst of a meltdown on the sidewalk, and she sat with me, and then took me out for some tea and talked for 2 hours. If that isn't authenticity and community, I don't know what is.

old wounds run deep

Sometimes I feel like such a hypocrite.

A few of my friends have recently dubbed me Relient K(im), which immensely pleased me. By nature I am an extremely loyal person to anyone who's fortunately enough for me to call them a friend. Call me up with a problem or a need at any time of the day or night and if it is in my power I will go out of my way to help out. This is probably not always a good thing, as I'm bad at putting up boundaries. But still, it's something I take pride in, for good or for bad, and have been known to drop everything to take people to the impound lot when their car has been towed (perhaps for the umpteenth time), turn around when almost to Frederick because a friend in B'more is hysterical over a stupid boy, stay up late at night or listen for hours on end listening to someone who needs an ear or shoulder to cry on, and send ridiculous, somewhat expensive care packages to those who need a smile. I am loyal to the bitter end, and am not sure I have ever ended a meaningful relationship over any type of argument. Yet many have done that to me, regardless of my efforts. And it is one of the worst things; it really hurts.

Yet today I am faced with my hypocrisy. A friendship with a long-time buddy has been deteriorating for quite some time now (5+ years...). She was my best friend for a long time. But things have finally come to a head, over something stupid that happened two months ago. The sad part is, I'm not really angry or upset at her anymore, but I just have an overwhelming sense of apathy. I just don't care what happens to our friendship. I mean, it's not like I don't care about her, because I do, and I wish her all the best. And it's not like I wouldn't like to see her or talk to her from time to time. But she's not a priority. At all. And it makes me sad.

I guess the irony lies in how I think this stems back to something painful that happened a long time ago between us that shifted the dynamics in our friendship and got it going down a different track. That might be fair, but I'm disgusted at myself, because there are other people in my life that I let screw me again and again, they are really nothing but disappointment, and yet I continue to cling to the relationship. Why is that ok? Like I said, hypocrisy.

Back to my old plan of living as a hermit on the side of a hill.

a fly-by visitor

Once in a while I get birds in my window, but they usually only stay for a few seconds. But today I turned to see a bird not 2 feet from where I was typing away on my computer, and he was regarding me with a bit of interest, like he had never seen anything quite like me before. He preened himself and kept talking to me, with something I can't quite describe, but it felt more "communicative" than a "tweet". (now you're probably thinking i've lost my rocker!) He stuck around for like 10 minutes. Just preening and staring and chatting. There was a moment when I thought he might actually walk right into my office. His visit made me happy, a little cheer for a gray day.

mystery veggie

So, one of the benefits to joining a CSA is that my vegetable world is expanding. In fact, sometimes I receive things that I cannot identify. Such as the small green bulbous thing that turned out to be a Cambodian Green Giant eggplant. Or this thing. I've been meaning to post it all week in the hopes that someone would be able to identify it and then I could eat it. But I figured it out yesterday. However, I'm still curious if anyone else knows...

the downfall of a blog

sometimes there are things i want to say, to bitch about mostly, that i can't, because someone might read it. blargh.

on the other hand, i have had a lot of things floating around in my mind lately that i have wanted to blog about, that i haven't because i'm lazy. so hopefully soon you will see more posts from me :)

more simple pleasures

So, I feel like I have a lot to write about today... so maybe i'll post again. but for now:

Simple Pleasure #15
A cozy sweater on a cool morning

Simple Pleasure #22
My reusable Starbucks cup for my iced coffee (esp when I get so many compliments on it!)

how time flies

I can't believe that one year ago today was my first day of school at Hopkins. Today is new student orientation - everyone is hustling and bustling. Looking back it seems like just yesterday. It actually almost seems like this past year was a dream, it was such a blur. So much has changed! I have a master's degree (which still hasn't really sunk into my head yet), I have a ton of new friends, a new job, new dreams... Perhaps today can mark for me the beginning of a year of new accomplishments, relationships and aspirations. It gives me hope.

composting is sexy

yes, folks, for those of you who didn't know it before, there is NO excuse now. :)

I just got my brand-spankin-new composter up and working over the weekend. Let me tell you - it's HOTT. I was kind of dreading the transfer of a year's worth of compost from my ghetto trash can into my new sleek sexy official critter-proof wheel composter. (I shall have to take a picture and add it). But I was too excited to put it off for long!

And much to my pleasant surprise, even though I hardly ever give my composting trashcan a second glance (I "water" it but never turn it), it was actually composting nicely! It hardly smelled at all, and was mostly indistinguishable from what it was - mostly just a few blatant egg shells floating around. And somehow a few big fat worms made it in as well, which made me happy. Who knows how they got there (my mom tried to tell me that they just materialized from within the compost...). But anyway, it's all in my new baby and now that I can actually turn it several times a week I should have some GREAT compost SOON. I'm feeling a good deck garden next year. :-D

simple pleasures

So, I'm a firm believer that life is all about simple pleasures. And today while riding the bus to work I was reminded of one. So from there I decided I should start making a list of random simple pleasures that make life brighter. So as they come up I'll be posting some of them. :)

Simple pleasure #19: "Splurging" to take the bus on a lazy day and getting on to find the machine broken so you get a free ride.

Simple pleasure #5: New pants that fit perfectly and make you feel like hot stuff. BONUS: they were on sale.

Simple pleasure #8: Discovering a new song that you love. BONUS: you love the entire cd! [recommendation: Blue October - Approaching Normal]

Simple pleasure #21: Getting to leave work early for no good reason. BONUS: it's a friday.

And of course, the ultimate simple pleasure: A good cup of coffee, particularly if shared with a friend.

The name of champions

As a child/teen I always was frustrated how main characters in movies, books, tv shows etc. never had my name. The closest I came was Kimmy Gibbler on Full House, which I got teased about more often than I liked. But today my ship came in. Almost.

My friend sent me this photo from Cape Cod where he's vacationing.

Right name, wrong state. Too bad, it would've improved my mood today. Never underestimate the power of flowers, however cheap or simple, to cheer your soul.

[untitled]

I found out this morning that someone I know died in a serious car crash. I'm not good friends with her and only know her because I spent 10 days in Israel with her. She was the sweetest girl, so full of life, and several years younger than me. The news came as a shock (as it should) yet it has affected me so deeply that I am surprised. I stared at her picture of Facebook for a good 15 minutes, unable to wrap my mind around the fact that she could be gone, just like that. Just a week ago she had posted a pics of a trip she had gone on.

It's hard to understand how life can be so fleeting. To think that I could be not here tomorrow feels surreal. Can we ever truly comprehend such a thing? Or is it just because I'm so young I take for granted the decades of life I think I have ahead of me?

Everyone loves the cliche "Everything happens for a reason" when hard times hit. I remember that when my college boyfriend and I broke up I heard that platitude so many times I thought I would vomit, or at least bite the next person's head off who dared utter those words. Yet I've probably been guilty of saying the same things when I'm at a loss for words. But now, even though I do believe in a omnipotent God whose plans are beyond our comprehension, can such a thing be true? Can a senseless death of Celine (and her father) be "for a reason"?? WTH. I will stop myself from digressing into an existential rant about God and his seemingly capricious involvement in our lives (enter lightening bolt striking me right about now).

But my mind returns to Emily... I need to call her... I've been such a crappy friend.

happy day :)

I had a great day at work today! What? you might ask? Is hell freezing over? Perhaps. However, I had a SIGNIFICANT amount of social interaction today. Morning coffee. Introduction to a doctoral student who uses the office next door and seems really friendly and nice. Helped a co-worker with Word and now she feels she owes me breakfast or lunch. Got my 90-day review and passed with flying colors (I still get nervous and think they will hate me for some odd reason). Had several other conversations with the ladies throughout the day. The word got out that I have a hedgehog, so I sent around photos and that was the talk of the town. And my white pinstripe BR pants make me SO HAPPY for some reason. And the ladies said that I looked especially "striking" and they commented on my necklace, which I informed them was from 10 Thousand Villages, so they took the shuttle down to Fells at lunch and had a fun time shopping and then came back and were showing me all their spoils (and of course blaming me for spending so much money since I was the one who brought it up!). :)
Plus it was beautiful out. So it was the first time in a while my heart feels light! That's the deceptive nature of depression - you feel gray for so long and your thoughts betray you, convincing you that you will never feel happy again. Perhaps one day I won't believe it.

when we plan God laughs?? with me at least.

Today I had coffee with the ladies at work - my new somewhat-regular habit which has been nice. I was feeling extra chatty today. And as we left the grind to go up the elevators one turned to me and said out of the blue, "Do you ever plan to marry?"
Wow. Not sure where that came from. I didn't know what to say. But can you ever "plan" to marry? I'm not sure it works that way...

adventure!!!

First, a little back story.

Friday night a friend needed a place to crash before moving all his stuff to Philly. My hedgehog, Amelia, has a really noisy wheel, especially since it's a little wobbly right now, so I thought I'd remove it from her cage for the night (I choose to suffer every night rather than fix it, of course). I neglected to put the wheel back in the cage. Amelia lives in a 2x2 cage that is currently on the top of my dresser (away from Chai, my cat), and is at head height.

So last night I was exhausted after partying wildly all day (jk). So I went to bed at an unheard of hour: 10:30! wow. At 4:30 in the morning I woke up and roll over, but instead of falling back asleep, I hear the familiar squeak of Amelia's wheel. It takes a few minutes for my brain to register that I shouldn't be hearing her wheel, but when I do, my first thought is Chai must be being Chai and playing with it. He's a weird cat - you never know. So I sit up and squint into the darkness expecting to see his undefined blob next to the wheel. Instead, I see him a few feet from the wheel, yet the wheel continues to run.

My heart stops. My first thought (irrationally) was "RAT!". And then I thought, "that's silly - it's gotta be a mouse". However, I'm still freaking out internally and quite horrified at the possibility.

I take a deep breath and flip on the light. The wheel stops. Since it's facing the wall, I can't see what's inside.

Then I glance up at Amelia's cage. It's open. A realization dawns on me: it's most likely NOT an intruder. I feel an odd mixture of relief and horror mix over me. I creep out of bed, peer around the wheel, and there's Amelia, happy as a clam, inside her wheel.

Now, I always knew she loved her wheel. But apparently when faced with limitless freedom, she still is happy to run on her wheel. I am VERY fortunate that this is the case. And if I hadn't awoken at 4:30 am, most likely she would have hidden somewhere and I would have spent the entire day freaking out about it.

What else did I discover? That apparently her and Chai CAN co-exist peacefully. :) So, all-in-all, I'm very lucky that this turned out to be an amusing anecdote about my stupidity/ditziness rather than a sad missing/dead hedgehog experience.

I said to Meles (her nickname), "Did you have a little adventure?" and she sniffed the air happily and resumed her workout. I scooped her up (she was not happy) and plopped her back in her cage, pondering how she managed to survive the 4-foot fall. Phew.

So there you have it, the makings of a children's book "Hedgie and the 4-foot plunge". I just need an illustrator. :)

Funky McFunkerson

So I'm in a funk. It's a weird in and out funk, where it comes and goes. But lately it's become more pronounced. When i'm feeling funk-ish I get that itchy sweater feeling, where almost everything is slightly irksome. And I also feel like things are tasteless, or at least taste less good. And i'm not really talking about food as much as life. It's not that I'm unhappy, but it's like colors are a little less vivid, experiences a little less sweet. I dunno, it's hard to describe. Maybe it's all of the changes that have occurred in the past 3 months - and the upcoming ones that I'm dreading.

I still miss Anastasia. I can't quite get over it to get a new hamster. Although I really want a winter white - they were so cute in the pet store! But I had to take Chai to the vet the other day and was sitting in the room realizing that I hadn't been since A's last visit for her surgery. And then on Sat. I finally got around to burying her at my parents house. I felt oddly detached and sad all at the same time.

On the up side, I have been GREATLY enjoying re-reading all the Harry Potter books in succession, particularly the 5th one. I always knew it was my favorite, but it had been so long since I'd read it, I just loved it. It's beyond words really. I just finished the 6th 2 days ago and spent the majority of the book realizing how disappointed I was at the movie. I just started the last one yesterday, but I'm not looking forward to all the sadness. Anyway, I'm pretty impressed at my record of reading the 6 in less than 2 weeks. :)

I also had the fun time of watching home movies on Sat with the fam, Justin and Donnie. It started with the main purpose of embarassing my sister in front of Justin. But the 6 of us were packed on the couches practically peeing our pants at some of the fun stuff. Laur was 3 and I was 5. And let me tell you - I was an attention hog and non-stop chatty. And very anal. :)

Ok, that's enough rambling. I don't have much of interest to say, just that I'm bored at work because I got a new computer on Thursday and they have yet to install SAS on it. So i'm useless.

i got my tamales :)

So, I went on a first date tonight, and it was not nearly as painful as many first dates can be. It actually ranks as one of the best. He even paid (a first since my high school bf). He's really nice and easy to talk to, and he took me to this little Mexican restaurant that had amazing food (and now that I've been to Mexico I fancy myself a bit of a Mexican food connoisseur. Anyway, ironically I have decided that since it went so well, I'm not going to say much about it here. But, I'm sure that everyone who is interested will get a chance to hear more details :)

Going to the beach tomorrow with the fam for a week - may I return tanned and in one piece.

beauteous curves

No, I'm not talking about me... I'm talking about my beautiful graphs that I am very proud of. I'm going to try and post them here, not because they will be of particular interest to you, but because they represent my first true TRIUMPH at work. :)

BREAKTHROUGH!!

So, there has been a serious positive development in my work environment this morning. The ladies who work in my department invited me for breakfast/coffee at the Grind. So we sat for 15 minutes and chatted and it was nice. And they told me to join them every morning if I wanted to. So, I'm glad, even if they are 30 years older than me. What's funny is it came out that I'm *significantly* older than what they thought. They thought I was 21. That's like the cute little girls I met while camping who thought I looked 19. They were in awe when they found out I'm actually 26. Ha.

On another note, I made a new friend at the bus stop. He's this older man, Polish, and so nice. He laughs all the time. Half of the time I can't even understand him, his accent is so thick and his English not so great. But this morning he asked if I was married. When I told him no, he was clearly shocked "What??! A beautiful girl like you?!?" (I'm paraphrasing for your convenience - his English is very broken). And when I told him "maybe" sometime in the future I would get married, he was like, "Listen, I know you don't believe me [because I was laughing him off], but to be married and have a family, that's what makes life wonderful. To be alone - not so good." It's too bad I believe him deep down. My counselor thinks I'm messed up in the head when I say "my ideal scenario" would be to be 500% content being single for the rest of my life, NOT to find the man of my dreams and settle down. I never thought of that being weird until he mentioned it. Shows you how damaging my prior relationships have been on my psyche. But just yesterday I was ranting at God for giving us stupid humans a deep-seated desire for a committed, intimate, long-term relationship. Why not make us complete on our own? Grrr.

Ok, I'm definitely babbling. And I have a thousand pretty graphs to make about age-of-onset inicidence rates for the major mental disorders :)

I'm so charming :-p

Apparently when I was at a party last week this guy (a co-worker of my good friend) was interested in me and trying to flirt with me. I had no idea - apparently he's pretty shy. He seems to be cute and nice, too bad he's into the FSM and not Jesus. BAH!

Oh well, at least I still have my irresistible charm. I guess HB may be right after all that every time I go out with her I get hit on... I just might not know it. :)

A day without pessimism... feels weird :)

I'm inexplicably perky today. And this day started off all wrong. I had really bad dreams and overslept. I got out of bed 1/2 an hour before I was supposed to be at work, and still made it there on time. Maybe it's the beautiful weather. Or having lunch with a friend. Or the farmer's market. Or getting my new book in the mail - I picked it up down the street because I accidentally shipped it to my old work - oops! Anyway, I was waiting in line to get my TB test read (good news: they finally decided that I dont have TB!) and I was having a hard time controlling my glee just from reading the table of contents. What is this book you might ask? Well, it's PURE AWESOMENESS. The Complex Infrastructure Known as the Female Mind. If anyone can guess who it's written by from the title, I'll buy them a drink. :) And as I write this, I'm just remembering I owe Ben a gold star...

Nothing but Boringness

Oh, and I was also thinking while reading one of my friends' blogs that I am actually a very boring blogger. I cannot hold a candle to her style, her wit, her spunk. In person maybe, but not with the pen (or the keyboard, if you will). So I apologize, because reading hers makes me feel like I should go back to journaling..... perhaps.

Migraine + Stupid Boys = Crappy Day

Yup. Woke up with a migraine. Then I had an annoyingly deja-vous experience by being kind of stood up for a date. It just really sucks when you know that the reason the current experience is really bothering you is not because you care a lick about the current boy or the current plans, but that that is brings flooding back all the painful memories of the prior boy and the prior experience. But fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me, right? No second chances to a flake - that's my lesson to apply to the current situation. Because in the end, they prove to be a flake, regardless of how much time passes. I'm too low maintenance, I let people (ok, just boys) walk all over me. Yet I don't know how to be high maintenance. It's quite a conundrum. What I need is an upstanding gentleman who actually appreciates what he's got (low maintenance is just a bonus!) so that it never occurs to him to walk all over my low-maintenance self. *sigh* haven't found that yet.

But, not to be too down on life, I want to give a quick shout out to one of my most favorite guys with whom I went kayaking today. Because that was definitely the highlight. :)

More Things I Miss

I came up with a few more things today:
I miss the super casual dress code (read: jeans and flips were ok)
I miss readmes (I never thought I would be saying that)
I miss my old supervisor
I miss user-friendly data, consistent data, blah blah basically I miss MACS data

Unfortunately I haven't come up with any other silver linings since yesterday.

Things I miss

So, it's a little after noon, I'm on my lunch break (translate - me sitting by myself at my computer with the door closed, with nothing to do because I forgot to bring a book). And I'm pretty much done with being here today. So I thought I'd take this opportunity to elaborate on yesterday's post.

Things I miss:
People to get coffee with
People to take "smoke breaks" with
People in general
Co-workers
Socialization in general
An office mate
Unix - I hate PC sas!
Knowing the data like the back of my hand
Well-formulated codebooks

But, so as not to leave things on a sour note, here are some silver linings:
A window that opens
A paycheck
A mini fridge in my office
Opportunity for improvement
Did I mention a paycheck? Yeah, that's pretty much the only thing keeping me sane right now.

One week down... only 40 more years to go

I'll try and post again tomorrow with more details about the new job (since people are harrassing me via this blog!! ;-p ) But all I have really wanted to say since Friday is that I miss Unix and I miss the MACS. I even miss JessieC. blargh.

D-day

I'm graduating today! :)
It's a beautiful day outside, occupational health decided to clear me to begin work, chai is not howling, and all is well. I'm in a good mood :-D

truly bittersweet

WOW - it has been quite a year (or more accurately, 9 months). I am completely exhausted. This has been the most exhausting yet also most rewarding year of my life. And although there were times when I was pretty sure I wouldn't make it, I did. And it is bittersweet. I'll miss school - sleeping in, hanging out with friends at the grind, learning new things. But I won't miss the unending stress, the stomach ulcer I'm sure I've developed, boring lectures and wednesday seminars, bleck. Honestly these past few days I havent' known what to do with myself.

And it's ironic - I wanted so badly to move away. But when a golden job gets served to you on a silver platter with little to no effort on your part, it's truly a "God thing" - and I often hesitate to use that phrase. Many of you have been badgering me impatiently to know details. So here is my current future: (drumroll please...)
I will be working at... HOPKINS... yes, hopkins. hahahaha. I know, who woulda thought. I was definitely biased against the job just for that reason, because I figure 5 years at the JHSPH was more than enough. BUT, like i said, golden, silver platter blah blah blah. So at least I'll be working in a different building. And I'll be senior staff :) working for the chair of the mental health department - and he's HUGE in the literature. I'll be a data manager/analyst for two studies and I'll have room to publish. They met my summer vacation and salary demands. I beat out 40 applicants! Anyway, the MH department took us grads out tonight at Gertrude's at the BMA (always wanted to go there) and sat by my soon-to-be boss and he's hysterical! So hopefully it will be good times.

So that's the blog that I've been meaning to post for a while. As far as what I would post just from today, I went kayaking (first kayak of the season) with a guy that i'm hopelessly interested in and had the BEST time. I mean, he's so cheerful and easy to talk to. And we have so much in common. And he's interested in me and my life. We parted ways after kayaking and I was walking home daydreaming, feeling like I hadn't felt in a really long time - just light, airy, fluttery, as erica would say "oh god, you're lovestruck". And that's when the "white bitch whore" incident occurred. But anyway, it feels good to know your heart has healed enough to hope for something again. I've met a lot of amazing guys this year in public health and that was nice to know that quality is still available ;-p

Ok, i'm exhausted. I graduate tomorrow - YAY! :)

ok, i have to post again

Just a couple of sentences - I promise! I chose to catch up on my other blog reading, and just finished intently devouring every last word of Em's blog. It's pretty much all good news. Better than good - amazing and miraculous. Yet reading it makes me feel ashamed and angry. Angry at how things had to turn out for her, bitter at why life is so hard an tragic, and ashamed at my shallowness. Here I am rambling on about my non-crisis of moving, when it's so trivial. I actually have more to say, now that i've started, but since i promised, I'll end it here :)

to move or not to move...

Here I am, standing at the precipice of graduation, with the black hole of nothingness gaping before me. Normally (as in a month ago) I would be freaking out about the lack of "a plan". But not so much right now. It feels rather strange.

With no strings attached, there's this strong desire in me to move, the further the better. In fact, it feels like moving just a little bit (like Philly) would be worse than moving really far. There are so many reasons to go: there are people here that it would be healthier for me to never see again; there are people who are very dear to me who are moving far away and it feels oddly like it would hurt less if I were gone too; I've always lived in Maryland; I'm young and unattached so why not; and I'm afraid that I'll meet someone here and never live other places that I would love to be for a little while. On the other hand, I really want to stay: for as many people who are leaving, there are still a few who are staying that mean a lot to me, both old and new; I have a lot of niches here that take forever to find; I'm happy; I love my house and I love Baltimore; I would miss my family even though I hardly ever see them; and I know that running from your problems and fears never works out - a few friends of mind who have tried have successfully crashed and burned.

What part of me will win out? I don't know. But I do know that a part of me was sad I got rejected for two jobs at Yale. And I do know that I was depressed at being unable to find a job in Baltimore, but now that there's a job that may likely pan out, I feel strangely clausterphobic and picky. What's my deal?!?

Oh, and I also know that Chai pooped on my bed today and it still smells like poop hours later, so I better go and sort that out. bleck.

Enlightened Rant? Maybe...

I feel like I've had a lot on my mind to say, with no time to say it. But I'd like to rant a little right now.

Today I celebrated Easter at my parents' place. It was a normal Easter, except that my sister brought her boyfriend, and I brought the closest thing I have to one. And there was a dog. All in all, it was a great Easter - a lot of laughing and fun. Ironically my rant does NOT have to do with my family. It has to do with boyfriends.

Now, let me say that after only meeting him this one time, I adore my sister's boyfriend. Not only is he hot with an adorable half-accent, but he's super sweet. Just watching him treat her like she's a million bucks, but not in a gross gaga way, but just in subtle undertones... the way he offers her his seat, how he gets up to fix her coffee so she doesn't have to, how he pushes her seat in for her. It's just so cute. He's clearly just a good guy.

So, this is my thing: what don't guys understand?? Why don't they get it? That's what girls want (well, the ones worth keeping). There seems to be this general misconception that we are super hard to please... and certainly some are. But I'm not. And maybe I have been actually settling, like some people were telling me all along when I wouldn't listen. My guy doesn't need to make tons of money or have a PhD or own a nice car... What I want is to be treated like I'm the best thing that ever happened to him. And that's what I think was lacking. Perhaps I was being treated well, but not like that. Everything else is just cake. You can lose money, jobs, good looks, health, possessions,... but the other person is the thing that matters. I know it's cheesy and cliche, but I don't think I ever saw it so objectively before. I was only defending myself. Because I'm relatively easy to please, easy to get along with, and don't ask for much. Which is why I guess I settle. Kind of a shame, the irony of it. *sigh*

a mish mash of stuff

So, as many of you know, I turned my thesis in today. Now, I'd like to say that it's all downhill from here, but I'm pretty sure that's not true. I have too many syllabi and too many 10-12 page papers to write. Still, I do feel a little lost without the thesis thing looming over my head...

It's raining... AGAIN... the only happy thing is that I have upped the ante with my bike riding - I rode home today not only in the dark, but in the rain! yup. and i didn't much care for it. I was also thinking I should obey the law and wear a helmet.

Today also finished up my first week of classes of my last term of grad school. Kind of crazy. I have definitely signed up for too many classes, and the only one I want to drop is the only one I'm required to take. story of my life. But I am taking this really interesting one on "the built environment" - aka urban sprawl, land use, transportation etc. and I'm pretty excited about it.

But, since it's after midnight, i'm gonna hit the sack. Just wanted to ramble before bedtime.

night rider

I'm proud to say I took my first night bike ride this evening. I finally afixed the lights I got for christmas onto my bike, and headed out to see a movie at Harbor East. I must say that in my head I've always been a little intimidated of riding at night. I'm still not completely over my fear of riding in the city, although I'm much better than I was when I first started. anyway, it wasn't that big of a deal, actually. although it was a short ride. but why on earth would you want to spend 25 mins walking somewhere when you can bike in 10? in my world of every second counts, that's how I finally decided to take the plunge and bike at night.

best first date ever??

It's true. Today I think I had my best first date ever. The guy I've been working with, Ricardo, took me to the pyramids at Teotihuacan for the day. And he's pretty much blown the other first days, and most of the dates i've been on in my entire life, out of the water. Am I just not used to being treated well?
He picked me up at the hotel. He drove 1.5 hours to the pyramids. He insisted on paying for all tolls, tickets, parking, not to mention the gas he put in his car. THEN he suggested we get a personal tour guide, but absolutely refused to let me pay my share. And we went out to dinner - and it was not cheap - and even when I stole the check and told him I would pay because Hopkins would reimburse me, he insisted on paying. He finally broke down (not happily) and let me pay the toll on the way back (about $3).
The entire day he was such a gentleman, holding doors for me, making sure I was comfortable, running back to the car to get my sweatshirt, pretty much anticipating my every possible need. He was interested in me, in my life, in my family and was fun to talk to.
ok - so what's the kicker? It wasn't a date. And he did all this for me and we barely know each other. We may never see each other again. And yet I can hardly think of a date or two in my life that I have been treated with such overwhelming generosity and kindness. And it's not even about the money. I would have felt better being able to pay my share. Because of course the trip was about me in the first place. I'm la turista. But to know someone is thinking of me before thinking of themselves...
Maybe my standards have been too low.

And then I also have the example of Gui and his wife Zuraya (I was spelling it wrong before!). Not like I know them that well, but I've seen them interact quite a bit this week and they have what I want. They're happy with one another. Happy with each other's company. Interested in what each other has to say. Enjoy conversation and spending time together. Like to joke around. It's kind of an unrushed, comfortable relationship. But they clearly love each other, you can just tell the way they act towards one another. Why does that seem so hard to find? Maybe because most of us have unrealistic expectations about what a successful loving long-term relationship is supposed to be.

cuando el tiempo vuela

Boy this week has flown by! I finished up my research today, which is exciting. Now I only have to finish writing up my results, although I've done a good portion of that as well. I can't even begin to explain how much I have enjoyed this week. Perhaps a fellow data junkie could understand, but there was something about the environment I was working in, and having my own project that was exciting. It's a relief, actually, to know that my choice of a career path was not misinformed and that it's actually a good fit for me.

AND Dr. Borges said that he was glad I came and that I helped them out a lot - which is hard for me to grasp. But he told that to my advisor too! AND then today he and his wife took me out to this really nice restaurant - all fancy and everything. I took some pictures b/c it was located in an old hacienda - basically a huge house / almost a plantation like thing. It was beautiful. They had peacocks in the yard (which are quite loud). Anyway, he asked me about my plans after graduation, and when I said I had no idea, he said he would talk so some people he knows to see if they have something for me. WOW. The sad part of that is most of the people he knows are in California...

But anyway, i'm out for some nightlife with Mariel, so chao!
Besos!

nostalgia

i was not expecting to love Mexico City. Granted, I haven't had time for culture shock or anything to set in. And my head hurts from speaking poor spanish constantly. I guess maybe all the hype on its negative aspects subliminally gave me the thought that I would hate it. Or at least be anxious to return home.

What i DEFINITELY was not expecting was when during my first full day here, walking around downtown, to be hit full on with a wave of nostalgia. A stupid lump in my throat. It was so emotionally-driven that I had to figure out where on earth it was coming from!! And then I took another look around the crowded, cobblestone streets and realized: Spain! If I hadn't known any better, I would have thought I had been transported to Sevilla.

But even after realizing that I was surprised, because I had forgotten the intensity of my attachment to Sevilla, how I had been determined to return and live there for at least a year. I had forgotten the feel of what it was like to live there.

So many things have come back to me so vividly, things that I didn't realize I even remembered. The stores I used to shop in: Berksha, Pull and Bear. Stopping by the random ice cream stores at least twice a day. Milling about bookstores wishing I could haul more back with me in my suitcase. The buzz after having a successful (albeit short) conversation with someone.

*sigh* perhaps I'll have to remember my dream this time...

hasta ahora

ok ok ok, so I haven't been writing. unexpectedly, I'd been really busy! I mean, I knew I'd be busy doing my research, but at nights i figured i'd be twiddling my thumbs. riiight. i should know myself better.

anyway, i'll try and do a quick recap of saturday through today.

Saturday:
two long flights! I always forget something when i travel, this time it was my headphones. And i didn't realize it until I sat down in my seat on the plane and reached in for my ipod, and came back with only an ipod. if i had checked, oh, 1/2 an hour earlier, i could've walked down the terminal and bought some.
customs in mexico took forever! i figured they'd be more blase' about it, but i guess not...
Dr. Borges and his wife picked me up, and they took me to this really cute authentic local taco place. The taco places here are really interesting. They're tiny. They're bright. They have little tables and little chairs. And the kitchens are right there in full view. Now, I can't speak for any other taco place, but this one reminded me of tapas in spain. the three of us picked out (or more accurately i let Gui and Zoriah pick out) a bunch of different tacos. They came on little plates, one or two at at time, two tacos on each one. And we just shared. they were yummy! and aparently this place hand-forms their tacos (not with a machine like most).
I checked in at my hotel and passed out

Sunday
Zoriah and Gui picked me up at my hotel at 11:30 - I slept like the dead and could have slept the day away probably. We met Ricardo, the programmer I am working with, and drove downtown and walked around all afternoon. We visited the main plaza (Zocalo), the palacio de bellas artes which has a lot of murals by famous artists (like Diego Rivera), the main catedral, and some aztec ruins beneath the city - amazing! Then we dined on a rooftop overlooking the catedral and the plaza. Exciting experience of the day: ordering my breakfast over the phone (ah, the glories of room service) completely in spanish. Successfully!

Monday
I started my research! Gui picked me up at 8am (man was that painful!) and drove me to the Instituto Nacional de Psiquiatria where he works and gave me a little tour. He has a little office on the 4th floor with a little computer/desk that he set up for me. I was terrified, especially when the day started out all wrong with the internet not working, the computer refusing to turn on, an important paper or something missing... blah blah blah. But it turned out ok. Gui took me to lunch at an on-campus cafeteria and ate with a friend of his who was very nice, but was difficult to understand her spanish at times. In the evening I walked across to the mall and ate and walked around for a little bit.

Tuesday
Research continued to go well. Ricardo came in the morning and helped me learn SUDAAN, which I was suprised at how quickly i picked it up. Ricardo is amazing - he's an incredibly gifted programmer, yet very humble. You would never know from looking at him. Anyway, we made more progress (according to Gui - I thought it took forever) than expected. For lunch Gui had one of his employees, Marisol, take me out for lunch. She's very enjoyable to talk to, extremely friendly, and patient with my horrible spanish. After work, Itziar's sister Mariel picked me up and we galavanted around town. We did a walking/driving tour of UNAM (the main university here where she goes to school and Zoriah works) - it's huge! then we went to Coyacan, the artsy part of town which is so cute! we ran into two of Mariel's friends, were thwarted in our attempts to eat mexican ice cream (we were all very disappointed), did some shopping in the local artesan shops, and ate tamales for dinner at an even smaller, cuter shop than the taco one. oh, and she indulged me and drove me to starbucks to get my necessary mug souveneir!

Wed (aka today)
Another early day, harder to get up today than previously. Research again is going very well. I like Gui very much, I think it just took a few days for us to warm up to each other. We're both naturally quiet. He was in meetings most of the day so I had the office to myself and was very productive. He gave me his calling card to call my sister because it was her birthday today, so I surprised her, and then he let us go early. 2pm!! I went back to the hotel, took a glorious nap, and then went to the mall for a quick eat and some shopping. It was a lot of fun! AND the best part is that Gui said "he was feeling generous" and is not going to pick me up until 9:30 tomorrow! so i can sleep in!

OK, so that's a quick recap. Unfortunately there are so many other things that I'd like to spend a little more time commenting on, but I need to get some homework done before going to bed! School continues on without me...

not that i'm complaining...

... but I CANT believe that i wait and wait and wait for snow and then I leave the country and then B'more gets snow, and not just any ole snow, but predictions of the biggest storm of the year. I KNEW this would happen.

I guess i'll just have to enjoy the 80 degree weather here!

Mexico!!

So, here I am in Mexico City... and I feel like I have so much to say. But right now I'll be brief and will probably update more later tonight or tomorrow. I start my thesis research tomorrow, which is exciting and nerve-wracking all at the same time. A few of you caught me in my nervous breakdown/hyperventilation stage on Friday evening, right before I left. The guy I'm working with is very nice, but kind of intense, so it intimidates me. But now I feel like I have a plan, so that helps.

Just a side note though: this whole thing has reminded me of my hidden complex, that only rears its ugly head at crucial times in my life, like NOW. Failure. Silly, actually, since I'm not sure I've seriously failed at anything in life (other than things like soccer or diving etc. etc.). Yet I still have this completely irrational fear of failure that overtakes me, paralyzes me, and makes me doubt everything - I can't even explain it. Except that on Friday I was sure this was the worst idea ever and that I am sure to make a complete fool of myself and I will never go anywhere in the career I have chosen blah blah blah.

So, all that means is I'm excited to have tomorrow over with, because once I get into my research I'm pretty sure that I will feel fine. :)

Franciscan Benediction

May God bless us with discomfort at easy answers, half-truths, and superficial relationships—so that we may live deep within our hearts.

May God bless us with anger at injustice, oppression, and exploitation of people—so that we may work for justice, freedom, and peace.

May God bless us with tears to shed for those who suffer pain, rejection, hunger, and war—so that we may reach out our hands to comfort them and turn their pain into joy.

And may God bless us with enough foolishness to believe that we can make a difference in the world—so that we can do what others claim cannot be done: to bring justice and kindness to all our children and the poor.

Amen

window dilemma

okay, so i have a dilemma and have decided to make this an interactive post. it's really not your usual dilemma, but i need some input. so, read my blog, and then vote :)

so, my dad has offered to pay for me to get new energy-efficient windows. this is something that has been in the mix for a little while, as over the summer I had Renewal by Anderson come out and give me a free estimate. And although their windows are really nice and fairly eco-friendly, they were also quite pricey. I looked into a few other companies, some of which claimed to be "green", but found out that they make their windows out of PVC.

Now, most of you are probably wondering what's the big deal with PVC? I didn't really know... but once I heard about it, and the more I looked into it, the more anti-PVC I have become. To the point where I have decided I will try and not buy things with PVC in them (which is quite difficult, PVC is pretty pervasive), particularly huge purchases (such as windows).

So I dropped the window thing.

Well, a few weeks ago my dad brought it up again, and gave me a coupon for BGE Home. So I called them and inquired about what their windows were made out of (hoping against hope). Guess what? PVC.

So, here's the dilemma: Do I put up a fuss with my dad and refuse windows made out of PVC? Or should I not look a gift horse in the mouth? I honestly don't know if it's better to have energy efficient windows made out of PVC, or keep the current ones I have. I suggested to him this local green company that does energy audits, saying I'd rather have that done then blindly replace window that might be OK, but he more or less said no.

So - I either need to call and schedule an estimate, or tell my dad no. There you have it. What should I do?

My smile? Really?!?!

I'm feeling a little bewildered. I seem to attract odd guy attention at times, and tonight was one of the more bizarre experiences I've had in a while. Laura and I were at this bar, hanging out, having a good time listening to one of my most favorite bands, and randomly this older guy approaches me and tells me how beautiful my smile is and how he wants to see it. So I kinda offer a dazed half-smile (although my roommate tells me it was more like a grimace) and he seems very pleased and holds out his hand. I, like an idiot, shake it saying, "Thanks. It was very nice to meet you." And then I watch in horror (it was a strangely out of body experience) as he brings my hand up to his lips and kisses it. And then he walks away, but not before he insults my roommate (at least I thought it was rude) saying (more or less) how she's jealous of me. Riiight. Classy.

I look at Laura, horrified, and then glance up to see the bass player give me this look (I can't even describe it) that says he totally saw what went down. I'm even more mortified, praising God that the lights are low so no one can see how terribly beet red I've turned. But I manage to get over myself, enjoying the rest of the evening, thinking how much better this is than any type of homework than is currently piling up on my desk. As Laura and I walk to the door to take our leave, I'm stopped by some random guy in the back who says, "I just wanted to let you know that I cringed for you when that guy kissed your hand." Awesome. And here I thought that it went generally unnoticed. *sigh*

If only I could harness this mystical power! If I can even call it that... And yet it only seems to hit me when I'm oblivious. I've been offered rides from strangers, I've gotten numbers, half-price burgers at restaurants, gushing compliments from security guards... this random guy from NYC wants to drive down and visit me (ok, so that's a bit of a story) for crying out loud! But when I want to actually get a guy's attention? Nothing. So I'm thinking I should smile less, and save myself a lot of hassle. Perhaps I'll scowl from now on.

There's not really a point to this rant, just that it's late, I'm frustrated, and I needed to write it down before I go to bed. :)

something to keep in mind

Excerpt from a Lancet article I was just reading for class:

A survey in Atlanta, GA, USA, found that each additional hour spent in a car per day is associated with a 6% increase in the likelihood of obesity.

Frank LD, Andresen MA, Schmid TL. Obesity relationships with community design, physical activity, and time spent in cars. Am J Prev Med 2004; 27: 87–96.

my new yoga habit

So... as many of you know, I've picked up yoga. On and off since college I've toyed with yoga, never really sticking with it. However, I'm proud to say that for the past month I've been going 3 times a week! And I love it! Well, sometimes it's more of a love-hate relationship, like tonight at hot yoga at one point I was pretty sure my heart was going to give out. BUT I feel so great afterwards, that I quickly forget how much pain I was in. And I was in such a rotten mood this evening before I went, and it's almost like I'm a different person when I'm finished. It's funny, it's not like running at all... where I never cease to forget how much I hate it.

I wonder what it is about certain activities that makes a person gravitate to one versus the other. But I'm glad to have found mine - I've decided to reward myself with new yoga clothes and a yoga mat :) I also look forward to the day when I will actually be able to do a head stand. Or some of the other ridiculous poses that make me fall flat on my face.

it's a good thing...

... my hamster is not so bright. last night I left her cage door open for at least an hour - oops! I feel like she's a little object lesson though. Obviously she's content with her lot (aka her mini condo cage). Ginny (may she rest in peace) on the other hand, not so much. Cage door open, you're lucky if you could count to 5 before she escaped. Clearly a case of the grass is always greener. Lately I've been feeling more like Ginny, like I have to escape. Get away. But I think I'd be happier as an Anastasia.

How's that for taking hamsters to a deep level? ;-p

dreams

I have always been one to have crazy, vivid dreams. I even went through this period in my life where my dreams were so real (and not out of the realm of possibility) that I had trouble knowing if what happened in them really happened or not. Frustrating.

Anyway, I had some particularly poignant ones last night.

The first was rather short, but wonderful (until I woke up). I walked into a room with my friends, and on the couch were Em and Drew. Drew looked up at me, smiled, and said, "Hey Kim, I'm glad to see you. I'm just about to go to class." I stared at him, unbelieving, without words, taking in his dented head - he looked so fragile! Yet his voice was exactly as I remembered it. I took a few steps foward, collapsed on the floor and started sobbing hysterically, mumbling "I'm so happy, I'm so happy" over and over again.

The second was long and drawn out. And bizarre. Somehow I ended up with this chinchilla in my possession. He was really cute - and we bonded. I think he was dumped on me anonymously by someone who didn't want him anymore. Anyway, the entire dream was pitting me, and a few of my friends/allies against a whole ton of other people I know (ranging from random aquaintances to my mom). I really wanted to keep him, but at the very least wanted to find him a good home. But for some reason my "enemies" just wanted to get rid of him. Some of them wanted to ship him to Florida (I have no idea...) and my mom even had plans to sell him to this little deli in Delaware where chinchilla was a delicacy for teenagers. I was mortified. So I spent the entire dream - and it was very stressful - trying to smuggle the poor guy out of this maze-like obstacle course. I just remember feeling extremely bonded to the chinchilla and knowing that he really wanted me to make sure he was ok. In randomness, I'd like to give a shout out to HB, who happened to be my strongest ally, but she kept frustrating me because we were continually trying to make our escape from the bad guys and she kept forgetting where her car was parked! ha.

guilty pleasures

So, I've been compiling a list of guilty pleasures in my head. To make it on the list, it has to be something that makes me feel somewhat guilty for doing (either for real or contrived reasons), yet at the moment I do not have the willpower to quit *sigh* For some i've even tried.
I may add more as time goes on...

1. Naps
2. Red meat
3. Half & Half in my coffee
4. Leaving the dishes undone in the sink after a meal
5. Donuts
6. Taking the elevator (although not if it's only 1 or 2 floors!)
7. Owning too many pajamas
8. Sleeping in
9. Not making my bed
10. Soda

Running

I hate running. Always have, unfortunately always will. I'd rather do hours upon hours of biostats homework, or clean my entire house, or be sick with the flu, instead of run a mile or two.

I wish I didn't hate it so much - it's an accessible form of exercise that is easily integrated into one's schedule. For the past month I've been trying to take up running, AGAIN. I think this is the 3rd or 4th time this year. Wish me luck ;-p because it's going to be nothing short of sheer willpower and a miracle of God.

empathy

I've always had a strong capacity for empathy. In general I look upon it as a curse. Take tonight for instance. Talking to a friend on the phone (actually, not talking, mostly just listening), as she is so angry and hurt and depressed and confused and everything you could ever imagine, I can feel the physical pain inside of me. And there's nothing I can say to make it better, or even ease her suffering, and so I suffer alongside her. I know that this is the blood and guts of real friendship. But it would be so much easier to be able to listen and not incorporate her pain into myself. Perhaps it's actually a flaw? Hard to say where the line is I guess.

insomnia

On and off my entire ("adult") life I've struggled with insomnia. Pretty much I think it's the stupidest affliction. I went to bed early tonight with the intention to get an early start tomorrow on thesis stuff. I was dozing off at 9:30ish so I just changed into my pjs, brushed my teeth, fed Chai and went to bed. But could I sleep? No. Instead I lay awake worrying about everything from depositing checks to booking a flight to Mexico. I need an on-off button for my brain.

re-realizing things

I just got back from a really great weekend away. It made me realize (or re-realize) a few things:
1. I miss old friends.
2. I love the color red.
3. I like being out of my "hole" and am dreading returning to it.
4. Sightseeing is exhausting.
5. I really hate the cold.
I had this minor "aha" moment (if you can call it that) when we were walking around New York and I was pretty sure I was going to die if I couldn't get in from the cold soon. We passed this sleeping bundle of a homeless man (or woman). How readily I take for granted what I have. In no way do I know what it is like to even taste the possibility of being out on the streets. And the fact that I'm not more grateful for that on a regular basis is somewhat shameful. A huge reason why a lot of people justify not "helping" the homeless (or similar individuals) is because of the idea that the majority of them "brought it on themselves" (i.e. deserve it). While I don't necessarily agree with that blanket statement, even if it were true, as we passed that guy I thought, yeah, but even if he is a lazy heroin addict, how can I be OK with leaving him there? Something in me hates doling out harsh justice like that...